Harry Potter: What Would Happen if?
by The Awesomeness of Moosey
Summary: We all wonder What would happen if...? at least once while we read. What would happen if Voldemort's mother lived? What would happen if Hermione was stupid? Read on and share your ifs here!
1. A Crazy Harry and Stupid Hermione

**What would happen IF…..? That is a powerful sentence that often inspires fanfictions. Now, I'm a doing a HP fanfic completely on Ifs. **

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter, neither does J.K. Rowling. Santa Claus does, of course.**

**What would happen if Harry refused to go to Hogwarts and returned to his old School?**

_Answer: Harry's emotional side would become overpowering until all the teachers loved him and sympathized for him, while the other students hated him._

"Harry, dear." Mrs. Wafflepenguin said. "Please pay attention."

Harry scowled. He was standing on top of his desk, shooting rubber bands at random people.

"Mrs. Wafflepenguin. It's not fair." Harry whined.

"Oh, alright. Then of course it's fine." Mrs. Wafflepenguin said.

Harry scowled again and then shot Fifty-eleven rubber bands at Gary Smeelton's head.

"Cut it out Harry!" Gary growled.

"Gary, be quiet." Mrs. Wafflepenguin snarled.

Harry scowled again. He was getting tired of shooting rubber bands. He reached out the window and grabbed a struggling squirrel. He understood it completely, because he was, after all, a wizard, not that he cared if he was or not. "Let go of me, stupid boy!" He squeaked.

"Shut up, squirrel!" Harry snapped, and then he threw the squirrel at Charlie McDermett's head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Charlie screamed. "Get it off!"

"Charlie, be quiet." Mrs. Wafflepenguin snarled.

"Harry threw a squirrel at me!" Charlie said, his face red with anger, as he shoved the squirrel off his face.

"Oh, Harry, that's charming!" Mrs. Wafflepenguin praised. "He certainly has a way with animals."  
Harrry scowled. "Shut up, old bat!"

"Oh, nicknames, how lovely Harry!"

**What would happen if Hermione was Stupid?**

_Answer: Ron would fall in love with her immediately instead of over time._

A girl with a brown rat's nest hair-do poked her head into Harry's and Ron's compartment.

"Hey." The girl said. "Had toad been saw by two you?"

"No." Harry said politely. "I haven't seen a toad."

Ron was drooling when the girl left the compartment. "Harry! I think I _love _her!" He said, a river flowing from his mouth.

"Great. All the girls in school and you picked the hillbilly." Harry muttered.

"She's so ugly, and so stupid!" Ron said. "We're perfect!"

"I'll say." Harry growled.

Later that night over dinner, Harry heard Ron asking for Hermione's hand in marriage.

**Okay, now it's your turn.**

**First, tell me if this is stupid.**

**Second, if you like it, if that's possible, then tell me what Ifs you'd like to see.**

**Sincerely,**

**Moosey : D**


	2. Cheese, SPEW, and a Smart Ron

**Special thanks to **_**hpnerd328**_** who asked these great "what ifs"**

**And thanks to **_**Pink Royale**_** for her review.**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter, and neither does J.K. Rowling. Santa Claus does of course.**

**What if Cheese made you feel better instead of Chocolate?**

_**Answer: Harry would die.**_

"What Happened? Where's that-that thing? Who screamed?"

"No one screamed." Said Ron, more nervously still.

Harry looked around the bright compartment. Ginny and Neville looked back at him, both very pale.

"But I heard screaming-"

A loud sickening slicing sound made them all jump. Professor Lupin was slicing an enormous slab of cheese into pieces.

"Professor, what are you-"

"Here." He said. "Eat it. It'll help."

Harry took the cheese but didn't eat it.

"Professor, I'm allergic-"

Before he had a chance to finish, Professor Lupin stuffed a slice of cheese down his throat.

Harry coughed, and choked. His face was turning blue.

"Professor!" Hermione shrieked as Harry fell to the floor. "Harry's allergic to cheese!"

Lupin raised his eyebrows in thought, and then shrugged his shoulders. "Oops."

And since none of them knew the Heimlich maneuver and couldn't do cheese spells yet, all they could do was sit back and watch as Harry slowly deceased.

**What if Ron was smart?**

_**Answer: Ron and Hermione would be as hated enemies. And Professor McGonagall would lose her mind.**_

"Okay class." Professor McGonagall said. "Who can tell me what the spell is for changing a pig into bacon?"

As always, Ron and Hermione raised their hands on either side of Harry. They glared at each other mutinously.

Ron was sweating; he stretched his hand as high as it would go.

Hermione glanced at Ron and then sat up halfway in her seat so that her hand would go higher.

As always, the rest of the class didn't know the answer.

As always, Professor McGonagall sighed.

As always, Harry sighed.

"Okay." Professor McGonagall said. "I guess…okay, Ron, what's the answer?"

"_WHAT?" _Hermione screamed. "I had my hand up first.

Ron looked at her as if she were a slug. "Yeah, but she picked me, didn't she?"

Hermione jumped out of her chair and made a motion to strangle him, but Harry jumped in between them. "Let's not start something here." Harry said.

Tears flowed down Hermione's face. "Harry! How could you take that-that _thing's _side?"

Before he could reply, she raced out of the room.

Professor McGonagall looked completely dumbfounded.

"Oh-kay then." She said. "Uh, Ron…please continue."

"You say, _JinglebellsJinglebells_, and then swish your wand like this." He did a series of complicated flicks with his wand. "But if you wanted _cooked _bacon, then you say-."

"Oh, shut up." Professor McGonagall said, clapping her hands to her ears. "Just shut up."

Ron looked hurt. "I'll have you know-"

"SHUT UP!" Professor McGonagall shouted. "I can't deal with another Percy."

**What if Hermione went as far as to make a national S.P.E.W day?**

_**Answer: Ron would strangle her.**_

"La, la, la, la, la." Hermione sang as she skipped down the halls.

Harry turned around his face etched with annoyance.

Hermione was in an elf costume and had a basket at hand. In the basket was hundreds of those ugly S.P.E.W. badges.

"I love you. You love me. Lets get together and set elves free! With a nice elf suit and a SPEW badge for you! I hope you love elves as much as I do!" Hermione chanted.

"Why are you wearing that bloody costume?" Ron asked incredulously.

Hermione looked surprised until she looked down at her costume. "Oh, silly, you. My costume isn't bloody."

Harry rolled his eyes. "He meant, why are you wearing that stupid elf suit?"

Hermione looked suddenly happy. "Didn't you hear? I made S.P.E.W. a national holiday. Now everyone will know about it!"

Ron looked like he wanted to be murdered. "Greeeeeaaaat." He said sarcastically.

"I know!" Hermione giggled. "Isn't it?" She reached into her basket and threw some S.P.E.W. badges at them.

Ron screamed. The back of the badges had gone straight into his chest. Blood was running down his front.

"Ron, why are you wearing a bloody costume?" Hermione asked, giggling. "Haha, get it? Because you're all bloody?"

Ron roared and launched himself at her, knocking off her elf hat in the process. It was hard to see what Hermione was angrier with, that Ron had knocked her elf hat off or the fact that he was strangling her.

Harry watched in surprise as Ron choked her, but luckily Dumbledore came and separated them before Hermione was killed.

**Haha! That was one of my favorites! Just in case you were wondering, the S.P.E.W. song she was singing was to the tune of the Barney song.**


	3. Llamas, Girl Harry, & Gothic Lupin

**What if instead of Being Wizards, they were Llamas?**

_**Answer: That would be awesome.**_

"Hairy…you're a llama." Llama Hagrid said in his llama voice.

"No way!" Llama Hairy bleated. "I thought I was just an alpacka!"

"No, Hairy. You're a llama. Just like me!"

Llama Hairy laughed in his llama voice. "This is great!"

He turned to his wooly cousin and aunt and uncle. "Haha! I'm a llama, and you're just some stupid alpackas!"

Dudley Alpacka lunged to bite Llama Hairy, but Llama Hagrid leapt forward and tripped him with one of his awesome hooves.

* * *

"Alright." Llama Dumbledore said, clicking his hooves together in glee. "Time for the school song."

"Here's a Llama." Llama Snape sang.

"There's a Llama." Llama McGonagall sang.

"And another little llama." Llama Flitwick sang.

"Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama, llama duck." Llama Hairy chorused.

"Llama, Llama, Cheesecake Llama." Llama Malfoy scowled.

"Tablet, brick, potato Llama." Llama Hermione sang.

"Llama Llama mushroom llama, llama, llama, duck." Llama Hairy chorused.

"I was once a treehouse," Llama Hagrid sang. "I lived in a cake."

"But I never saw the way." Llama Colin Creevy sang.

"The orange stayed a rake." Llama Ron sang.

"I was only three years dead," Llama Sirius came out of nowhere and sang. "But I told a tale!"

"And now listen little child to the safety rail." Llama Percy sang.

"Did you ever see a llama?" Pavarti sang.

"Kiss a llama?" Penelope sang.  
"On a llama?" Lavender sang.

"Llama's llama tastes like llama, llama, llama duck." Llama Hairy chorused.

"Half a llama"

"Twice a llama" Llama George and Llama Fred sang.

"Not a llama" Dudley Alpacka sang.

"Farmer, Llama, Llama in a car, alarm a llama, llama, llama duck." Llama Hairy chorused.

"Is that how it's told now?" Llama Crabbe sang.

"Is it all so old?" Llama Nicholas sang.

"Is it made of lemon juice?" Llama Professor Umbridge croaked.

"Doorknob, ankle, cold." Llama Pansy sang.

"Now my song is getting thin," Llama Cho Chang sang.

"I've run out of luck." Llama Goyle sang.

"Time for me to retire now and become a duck." Llama Hairy sang.

_Suggested by Piptaco_

**What if Harry was a girl?**

_**Answer: Voldemort wouldn't kill him…I mean, uh, her.**_

"Oh my gosh." Voldemort breathed as he looked at the giggling little girl in Lily's arms. "Isn't she just adorable? I can't kill cute little peoples, now can I?" He said in a babyish voice.

Lily back away shocked. "What do you do to my husband?"

Voldemort started to cry. "I can't believe that I killed this little girl's daddy!"

Harriet started to wail too. So did Lily.

"As long as you're sorry, you can be forgiven." Lily said.

"Ok." Voldemort said, wiping away tears with his pale hand. "I'm so sorry."

"See? Don't you feel better?" Lily said, patting him on the back.

"Mhhmmm-hmmm." Voldemort said, smiling weakly.

"Would you like to join us for a tea party?" Lily asked, and Harrit clapped her pudgy hands and laughed.

"Sure!" Voldemort said. "But I have to go soon, I'm scheduled to murder this boy named Neville Longbottom."

_Suggested by hpnerd328_

**What if Peter was a werewolf instead of Remus?**

_**Answer: Remus would be a punk emo goth.**_

James and Remus passed the snitch back and forth while Peter scratched his ear with his foot and Sirius just sat there, looking awesome.

Remus was wearing a leather jacket with the sleeves cut off, black sandles, nose piercings, mouth piercings, tongue piercings, eyebrow piercings, and had seven piercings on his left ear and eight on his right. Totally cool.

His hair was spiked up in a Mohawk and his face was scrunched into a miserable expression, as though his cat had died. This was his happy expression, believe or not.

An equally sad and scary looking gal came up and sad in an expressionless tone. "Wanna come to the Ball with me?"

Remus looked deepy unhappy, but then remember, this is how he always looked. "I guess." He shrugged. "Wear something black." He said.

The sad and scary looking gal shrugged and walked away.

Sirius leapt up and punched him in the arm. "Good going, Remus!"

"Hey," He said. "It's Rock."

"Oh, yeah." Sirious said. "Rock."

"Anyways, now we all have dates to the dance! I'm going with Lily, Sirius is going with twenty different girls, and you're going with…wait, what's her name?"

"I don't know, and I don't care." Rock replied.

"Wait!" Peter said, pulling himself off the ground. "I don't have a date."

Sirius shrugged. "Too bad for you, you just have a fuzzy little problem."

_Suggested by hpnerd328_


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